New Moon, Edward's POV
by Shailey Booker
Summary: My take on what happened the night of Bella's birthday, after she falls asleep from Edward's POV . I may do the whole book from his perspective, so please let me know what you think! Edward thinks too much! This will take forever!
1. Chapter 2a

As Bella slept beside me, her bandaged arm draped lightly across my shoulder, my resolve solidified. I had to leave her. I didn't relish the idea. The very thought of spending a single day without her, let alone the rest of my existence, left me feeling as if I had been violently ripped in two. Those two parts warred with each other silently in my head. The part of me that wanted to be happy, the part that had won out time and time again as I tried to do what I knew what was best for Bella and failed, told me that I should stay. This part of me delighted in all things pleasurable when it came to her and it was what kept me close to her from the first time I saw her, what drew me back from Denali and kept me close enough to fall in love with her, even when I knew it was wrong. The other part of me demanded that I leave her tonight. This part of me loved her more than myself or my own happiness. It knew that she would never be able to have a normal life, a happy life, while I was a part of it. She would always be in danger while I was with her, not only from monsters like me, but also in danger of missing out on all the important things that made life worth living. Did I love her enough to leave her? Yes, I did. Did I have the strength to actually follow through with the plan this time? That, I didn't know.

I turned my eyes to her beautiful face, trying to find the answers as if they were hidden there, in the color of her cheeks or the dark strands of her hair. I tentatively reached out and ran my index finger lightly across her cheek, wishing there was a simple resolution to the situation I now faced. Even in sleep, she responded to my touch, moving herself closer to my body, as if the cold didn't repulse her as much as I felt it secretly did. "Edward" she said softly, falling into another episode of talking in her sleep. "I love you, Edward." My heart felt like it was being torn from my chest. All I wanted was her, to love her and fill my days with her for the rest of eternity. In that same instant, I knew I had my answer. Yes, I loved her enough to leave her. I loved her more than anything this life had to offer, including existence itself, and I would make good on that love by doing what was best for her, rather than following my repetitive pattern of selfishness by staying with her. I knew I would have to act quickly, before my resolve crumbled and I let the other part of myself win this argument again. I gently slid my shoulder from under her, laying her injured arm gently on the pillow, and then, with one last glance, sprung from her window, leaving her room for maybe the last time.

I ran home, making it to the clearing in which the house sat in less than three minutes. I hadn't allowed myself to think about my choice as I ran, knowing it would only give me another chance to be weak and rescind my decision. As I entered the house, I saw Esme glance up from the book she was reading in the living room, a worried look on her face. When I stayed at Bella's, which was most nights, I rarely returned home before dawn. I wanted to see every move she made, hear every word she spoke as she dreamed the dreams that often involved me, but that, like her mind, were not mine to see. I hadn't realized that it was just after 2 am until I glanced at the clock in the hall as I closed the front door. "Edward, we didn't expect to see you for hours. Is Bella alright?" Esme asked softly, seeing the obvious pain in my eyes. "She's fine," I replied tersely, "Or, she's going to be." Confusion, understanding and then pain all crossed her gentle face in turn, as I knew she was grasping the basics of my unspoken plan. Edward, this isn't your only option, she thought sadly. I ignored her mental pleading and called everyone's name in turn as I walked to our seldom used dining room. One by one, Carlisle, Emmett, Rosalie, Alice and finally, with a look of chagrin, Jasper, joined Esme and I and sat at the large table that was used for just such occasions. All their minds were filled with questions, except Jasper's. All that radiated from his thoughts were apologies, regret and unyielding self-loathing. Part of me was livid with him, but the larger part of me new that this was not his fault. He was just the catalyst that happened to set things in motion. It could have been anything and I was positive it would have happened eventually.

"It's time to leave", I stated simply as the six pairs of eyes on me took in the look of resolve I had determinedly fixed on my face. "No!" Rosalie cried. "Edward, I am not moving just so you can change Bella into one of us." Rosalie was slow on the uptake, but the others were much quicker. For her benefit, I spoke my plan aloud. "We need to leave so that Bella can be left here to start over, free from interference from me, or any of us. As long as we are in her life, she will always be in danger, always have to make sacrifices that will dictate the rest of her life. I want more for her than that. I will give her more of a life than what I can offer her." "Then you leave!" Rosalie spat at me, her gold eyes menacing and angry. "You are the one who puts her danger, not us." Carlisle finally spoke at this. "That's not entirely true. As long as any of us have contact with Bella, she remains in our world, always involved in the happenings of our lives. She will continue to play a part in everything we do as long as we are here." His words were slow and thoughtful as he tried to see the situation from every angle. Kid, why don't you just stay with her? Emmett pondered. She's already been through the worst of it. What more could happen to her really? I know she's a bit of a klutz and all, but what's the worst that would happen if we stayed? "The worst that could happen to her, Emmett," I turned to glare at him, "is that she gets killed, or worse, that she spends her whole life with me and then dies, never getting to experience life as it should be. She would miss out on all the things that no human should lose. Is that what you want me to do?" As I said this, I shot a pointed glance in Rosalie's direction. Her shoulders instantly slumped and a look of pain and regret washed over her perfect face. "No", she muttered, refusing to meet my eyes. By the silence my tirade received, I assumed that the other's agreed with Rosalie's sentiment. "She won't let you go that easily", Alice interjected suddenly. The sound of her voice was desperate. Her eyes were fierce as if she were trying to hold back tears that I knew would never come. I could see that this pain had been building in her since I first resolved to leave Bella and that she had remained quiet until she could no longer contain the sadness and anger that had blossomed within her. "I can see that she'll look for you, and me, if we disappear. Please don't do this Edward, it will destroy her. I love her Edward, don't do this. Please." As she spoke, her vision of Bella's future filled my head. Bella was broken and lost, mourning my absence and looking as though she hadn't eaten or slept in an eternity. The thought of Bella in pain sent floods of anguish through my mind. I couldn't let my Bella be hurt the way Alice saw she would be. No, not my Bella. Not anymore. The half of me that demanded I stay by her side made one last play to overtake me, writhing at the thought of her no longer being mine, but I fought to ignore the fresh wound and continued. "Then we don't disappear", I said in a calm, calculating voice. "I will stay long enough convince her that I don't love her and then we'll leave. She won't try to follow us if she thinks I no longer want her." I heard loud cries of anguished protest emanating from Esme and Alice's thoughts, but I was too deeply lost in my own despair at the moment to deal with theirs. The torturous pain of my words hit home and somehow, the numbness that followed allowed me to plan everything with a flawless rationality. I turned to Carlisle and began plotting our dissolution from Forks. "Carlisle, can you call the hospital and tell them something that will allow you to leave quickly?" "I suppose I could tell them that I received a sudden offer from another hospital that required me to make an instant decision, but Edward," he said carefully, "are you absolutely sure this is what you want? We will of course go with you if this is what you truly feel is best, I only want to make sure that you have thought this through." "This is what I want," I stated shortly, knowing it was one of the biggest lies I had ever told. Of course I didn't want this. How could I want to stray from Bella's unfailingly loyal heart and live the rest of eternity mourning the love I had been a part of for such a short time, a love that would stay with me, strong and achingly painful forever? "Then I will call them in the morning," Carlisle said, resigned to my decision. "Please tell the hospital that you would like this kept quiet for now. I don't want Bella to know we're leaving before it's time to tell her. Tell them we're going someplace that Bella would know we hadn't, like San Francisco or L.A."

Now that the first hurdle was cleared, relocating the rest of my family should be simple. Rosalie, Jasper and Emmett had already graduated from high school, so Alice's absence would be the only one Bella would notice. That would be easy enough to conceal. I would tell her that Jasper had left Forks after what had happened last night and that Alice had gone with him out of concern. She would be troubled, but not suspicious. I can't leave her! Alice thought in broken despair, though she knew her effort was wasted. "When are we leaving?" Esme asked timidly, not wanting to cause me any further pain. "Tonight, if possible," I responded shortly. I will stay behind for another day to complete the deception, but it would be best if the rest of you could leave as soon as possible." "I'll call the Denalis," she said. Her voice sounded broken and hollow. I'm sure we can stay with them until we decide where to go." "Thank you," I breathed, finally letting my strong front fall away slightly. "I know I am asking a great deal from all of you, and I am sorry for that. The situation is no one's fault but my own." I looked meaningfully at Jasper as I said this, but he would not meet my gaze. "We are always here for you and will do whatever we need for one another," Esme said gently as she rose gracefully from her chair and came to wrap her arms around my hunched shoulders. The others followed her lead and got up from table, filing slowly out of the room to begin the process of packing whatever they would take with them when they left in just a few short hours. Carlisle and Esme stared fixedly at me, both wishing that they could look into my mind for once and understand what I needed at this moment. I needed Bella. She was the only thing in this life that ever made me feel better. Life without her was meaningless and without hope and she was now gone from my life. I would see her again, in a matter of minutes, to be exact, but in my mind she was already a separate being, no longer joined with me in any way. I was so overwhelmed by this knowledge that I was sure my face was contorted into a display of pain that would have Esme at my side, begging me to reconsider. To prevent her from having the chance, I called, "I'll see you in Denali," and ran out the door.

The trip back to Bella's house took longer than usual. My feet knew the way but my mind was lost. I saw nothing around me as I ran, only Bella's face. How was I going to convince this amazing, trusting creature who had absolute faith in me, to whom I had promised my love and eternity, that I no longer wanted her? I must find a way to make her believe, even if only an infinitesimal amount, that this was the truth. She was human. It would hurt her initially but, as with all humans, she would get over it. She would move on. A new sea of pain washed over me at this thought, but this knowledge was the very reason I was leaving her. I wanted her to get over me, to have a chance at a normal human life. I silently passed through her window and went to her bed. I eased myself back into the position we had taken before she fell asleep. She could not know that I had left in the night to set in motion the plan that would change both our lives. From this moment forward, I vowed to detach myself from the angel sleeping once again in my arms.


	2. Chapter 3

Bella began to stir beside me and I knew she would be awake in a moment. I knew that I must start this ghastly deception now if I would have any chance of convincing her that the lie I was about to tell her was true. Just before she opened her eyes, I forcibly fixed a look of indifference on my face. She looked uncomfortable as she awoke. The pain in her arm, perhaps? I comforted myself in the fact that I would not be responsible for causing her pain much longer. Her face changed slightly, from discomfort to unhappiness as she took in the expression on my face. Did she know what had transpired during the night? No, she was just confused by the look on my face. I knew I was looking at her with a face she barely recognized. The only time she had seen this expression on my face was the first time I had seen her in the cafeteria. At that moment, she had been nothing more than a confounding nuisance, a new student about whom everyone prattled all morning and, for the first time, a silent mind I could not hear. I recalled these memories with perfect clarity, remembering a time when Bella was not my entire world. I clung to that memory and used it to hide the sadness and pain that should have been on my face. I kissed her lightly on the forehead, unable to meet her confused eyes for fear of losing my carefully constructed mask. "I'll see you at school." I muttered in the most casual voice I could muster and then left through her open window.

This was good. I would give her time to let my inattention sink in. That way, when I dealt the final blow, she would not be taken off guard. I laughed at this conclusion. Of course she would be taken off guard. No matter how well I planned this, there was no way she was going to believe I had stopped loving her. No way she was going to let me go without a fight. Had I not told her every day for months that I loved her, that she was my entire world and that I could not imagine life without her? I entered my house to change and knew, before I had even stepped through the threshold, that my family was gone. True to their word, their loyalty to me had led them to leave behind the life we had so carefully constructed for ourselves here in Forks. Everything was still in place, as if my family had only stepped out for the day. My piano sat where it always had, our living room furniture unmoved, yet the house had the feeling of being abandoned. The scent of my family had already begun to fade slightly in their absence. I dressed quickly and went to the cavernous garage at the end of the house. Carlisle's black sedan and Emmett's white Jeep were the only vehicles gone, leaving Rosalie's car and my own, as well as the assortment of "toys" we had accumulated over the years. I knew Rosalie's car was not taken to Denali because it would be one more thing to draw attention to the suddenly growing vampire family there. Drawing attention was a bad thing and Rosalie's car screamed "look at me" in every way. I knew this would be another point of contention when I saw her again, one more reason she would hate me.

I climbed into my silver Volvo and cringed slightly as I took an instinctive breath. Bella's scent permeated every surface of my car, even when she wasn't in it. All the rides I had given her had let her scent seep into the fabric, the stagnant air. It was not strong enough to be painful to my lungs, but that did not stop me from wincing as this reminder of her presence in my life assailed me. I made it to school before Bella, as usual, and was waiting for her when she arrived. As she put the old red truck into park, her eyes instantly flitted up to scrutinize my face. I maintained the same look of smooth disinterest I had given her this morning and I watched sadly as the space between her eyebrows puckered while her mouth turned down into a worried frown. I opened her door and she stepped out carefully, not letting her arm brush against anything, her eyes still trained on my face. She was wearing a thick, gray, long sleeved shirt to hide her bandaged arm. "How do you feel?" I asked coolly, not wanting to sound overly concerned. "Perfect" she replied. The lie angered me slightly. Why did Bella always have to put on such a strong front, even when she was in pain? I closed her door, slamming it a little harder than I had intended, and she jumped at the sound. We walked to class together in silence. I could see from the varying expressions on her face that she was confused. Usually, when this was the case, Bella would assault me with a thousand questions until she had an answer that satisfied her. Today, she seemed to instinctively know that this would do no good. I would occasionally ask how she was feeling and she lied dutifully that she was fine. Other than that, our conversation was minimal. Her face continued to distort into different shades of confusion, but she said nothing as we sat through our morning classes.

As we entered the cafeteria, I saw her eyes scan our usual lunch table, looking for Alice. I knew that this topic would not go without questions, but I was not going to be the one to bring it up. After several minutes, she could no longer contain her curiosity. "Where's Alice?" she asked me finally, a look of frustration on her face. Ah, so this was the reason she had not questioned me this morning. Judging from my reaction to her 'accident' last night, she had known that the only reliable information she would get today would be from my sister. I tried to look unconcerned with her question as I slowly destroyed a granola bar. "She's with Jasper," I said absently, continuing to pick apart the unappetizing little rectangle. "Is he okay?" she asked, her voice deep with concern. Of course she would be concerned for the vampire who tried to kill her only a few short hours ago. "He's gone away for a while." "What? Where?" I heaved my shoulders casually as if the topic held no interest for me. "Nowhere in particular." "And Alice, too." her mangled words were not a question, just a sad statement, knowing that Alice would always do anything she could for Jasper. "Yes. She'll be gone for a while. She was trying to convince him to go to Denali." Damn. Why had I just said that? Wasn't I the one who had told Carlisle to not leave behind any reliable clues as to our location? Oh well. She probably would have assumed as much, even if I had not said it. Bella's face fell, a look of dejection and pain playing across it. "Is your arm bothering you?" I asked eagerly, temporarily unable to hide the earnest concern in my voice. "Who cares about my stupid arm?" she said, anger and resentment strong in her voice. I cared, but I couldn't answer her. She laid her head on the table, not eating, and remained in that position for the duration of lunch.

Our afternoon classes passed much the same as those this morning had. Her frustration at my tight-lipped charade was building, but her stubbornness would not allow her to be the one who broke the silence. I had formed the plan in my head as the day passed. I would drive Bella home and then tell her my heinous lies. I would sit her down and spew the lies that I had concocted, hoping that a small part of them might sound believable. My mind cursed me in self-loathing, but no part of my carefully controlled exterior betrayed me as I walked Bella to her car. I was about to set this final plan in motion when Bella spoke. "You'll come over later tonight?" she asked me timidly. "Later?" I responded automatically. Why would I not come over now? This threw me off and I could not hide the look of surprise that crossed my face. Bella smiled slightly as she responded "I have to work. I had to trade with Mrs. Newton to get yesterday off." "Oh," was the only brilliant response that I could give. This would throw all my plans off kilter. I would have to take the time while she was at work to reconstruct my escape from Forks. "So you'll come over when I'm home, though, right?" Her voice had a slight edge that sounded like pleading. "If you want me to," I responded, still thrown off guard by the sudden change of plans. "I always want you," she said fervently and my heart started to ache again as I took in the tone of love and trust that permeated her words. Calm and cool, I reminded myself. "All right, then," I said, my words giving away none of the emotion that coursed through me. I kissed her lightly on the forehead and then closed the door of her truck for her, creating a tangible barrier between us. She started the truck and the old behemoth dutifully roared to life. I walked towards my car without turning around to see her off, but I watched her face carefully from the reflection in Tyler Crowley's side mirror. She looked alright, but there was a slight air of panic and sadness in her eyes that was impossible for my eyes, so accustomed to her face, to miss.

I did not return home. The house no longer held any draw for me as its occupants were now absent. I needed a place to think so I could figure out what to do next. I thought about going to my meadow, our meadow, but the idea held nothing but pain for me, so I quickly thrust it from my mind. I drove aimlessly until I saw a sign indicating a hiking trail just off the highway. I pulled over and got out of my car, walking at a normal, human speed just long enough to make sure that no one was nearby. When I was sure that I was alone, I pushed myself into a run, my legs carrying me as fast as they could towards no point in particular. Bella would be home in a few hours and I had to have a plan when she returned. I wasn't sure, but I think I was just south of the Canadian border when my legs finally brought me to a halt. I stood motionless in the wilderness, taking in my surroundings in a small part of my mind while the larger part focused on the task at hand. When I saw Bella, her father would be home. I knew that I couldn't carry out my departure while he was close by. It would complicate things and I didn't want to make this any more difficult than necessary, for her or myself. I knew that this meant I would have to wait until Friday to leave. I cursed the situation for making this so hard, but the selfish part of me soared, celebrating in the fact that I would have more time with her, no matter how finite.

I returned to my car and drove to Bella's house, several minutes before I knew she would return. As expected, Charlie was there and I could hear him watching another in the endless parade of sporting events that kept him occupied in front of the T.V. This was good. If I was always within earshot of Charlie, Bella would not be able to use tonight to question me, as I knew she would when we were away from school and family. I knocked and heard Charlie heave himself from the couch to answer. His thoughts seemed mildly perturbed, and I assumed it was because I had interrupted his game. "Hello Charlie," I said, using my most polite tone and smiling amiably. "Oh, it's you," he said shortly, not bothering to invite me in. He turned to walk back to the living room and I followed him, closing the door behind me. "Bella's not home," he said shortly, obviously hoping this information would send me on my way. "I know," I responded in a friendly voice, "but she should be back from work soon and I promised her I would come over. He looked annoyed by this information, but said nothing. "Who's playing tonight?" I asked interestedly, waving my hand towards the football game displayed on the flat screen television mounted to the wall. "Ravens and Giants replay from this weekend," he said gruffly, seemingly taken aback by my sudden interest in T.V. I sat in the open chair while he lounged across the sofa and pretended to get absorbed in the game. "I'm gonna grab some pizza from the fridge, you want any, Edward?" he asked, his tone attempted politeness but somehow failed. "No thank you, Charlie. I've already eaten." "Suit yourself," he mumbled, sauntering off to the kitchen. He returned a minute later with two slices of pepperoni pizza, which he hadn't bothered to reheat.

Within minutes, I heard Bella's ancient truck rumbling up the street. She opened the front door, calling both our names. "In here," Charlie responded. Bella entered the room, her hair slightly wet from the rain that had picked up again. I followed Charlie's lead and did not look away from the television as she approached us. "Hi," she said weakly, obviously confused by the scene before her. "Hey Bella," Charlie said, too engrossed in the game to look away. "We just had cold pizza, I think it's still on the table." "Okay," she said, her voice thick with concern and confusion. Charlie was too distracted to notice her tone, but I took in every inflection, analyzing her mood. She continued to stand at the edge of the room, seeming uncertain of what to do or say. I finally broke my gaze from the TV and put on a smile, the kind that I would offer to a stranger and called "I'll be right behind you." I forced my eyes to look away from her beautiful face and back to the dull game on the screen. She headed towards to kitchen to eat and I pretended to express an interest in the game to Charlie. He seemed delighted to have someone to talk sports with, even if that someone happened to be me. We talked about stats and trades, betting which teams would make the playoffs and who was overrated.

While we bantered, I kept tabs on Bella, following her sounds as she moved through the house. She didn't stay in the kitchen very long. Had she eaten? She had all but skipped lunch today, too. I hoped that, once I was gone, this aversion to nourishment would cease. Humans needed to eat more than this, I knew. I followed the sound of her footsteps upstairs to her room. She stayed there for a while, not seeming to do anything, because it was very quiet. Was she waiting for me? I hoped not, because I couldn't let myself go.

After the second quarter ended, I heard her descend the stairs, heading in our direction. She appeared from around the corner, camera in hand, trying to be stealthy. I almost laughed at the though of her catching me off-guard, but nothing seemed funny in the present situation. I pretended not to see her as she snapped a picture of Charlie and me. Charlie turned to her in surprise, but my face remained the blank slate it had been when she took the photo. "What are you doing, Bella?" Charlie grumbled in response to her sneak attack. "Oh come on," Bella contended, smiling a wide fake smile that seemed to fool Charlie as she sat on the floor in front of him. "You know Mom will be calling soon to ask if I'm using my presents. I have to get to work before she can get her feelings hurt." Charlie did not look convinced that this was a good reason for her paparazzi-like behavior. "Why are you taking pictures of me, though?" "Because you're so handsome," she retorted, trying to maintain the false happiness she was displaying. "And because, since you bought me the camera, you're obligated to be one of my subjects." "I might break the lens," he grumbled, but I don't think Bella heard him. "Hey Edward," she said suddenly, turning to me, but not meeting my gaze. "Take one of me and my dad together." She threw the camera carelessly in my direction, not even looking at me to aim her toss and then posed next to Charlie, who heaved a sigh of defeat.

I looked through the lens at the pair of them, but my eyes focused only on Bella. Now that my face was obscured by the camera, she allowed herself to look at me. Her face looked frustrated as it had earlier today, but it also held something that looked like resolve. This confused me, but I didn't have time now to ponder what that might mean. "You need to smile Bella," I said absently as I set up the shot. She attempted a smile, but it did not fully reach her eyes. I took the photo and quickly lowered the camera, hoping the photo shoot had ended. "Let me take one of you kids," Charlie offered. Obviously, he was hoping his photo shoot was over for him, too. I tossed the camera to Charlie unwillingly and went to stand beside Bella. Not wanting to raise suspicion in Charlie that anything was wrong, I put one arm around casually on her shoulders. She wrapped her small arm tightly around my waist, as if trying to keep me from escaping. The heat from her soft, warm body sent jolts of electricity through me. I wanted nothing more than to turn to her, wrapping her more tightly in my arms and kiss her until she was gasping for breath, her heart hammering through her fragile chest. How could I go through with this? How could I leave the one thing that made my life complete? I was glad that Bella was not looking at me this moment because my eyes would have given me away. "Smile, Bella," Charlie said, repeating my sentiment. I reigned in my facial expression in time for the flash, reverting to the expressionless and disinterested look I had put there earlier in the day. "Enough pictures for tonight," Charlie said mercifully, putting the camera between two of the cushions on couch as he lay back down. "You don't need to use the whole role now." I instantly disentangled myself from Bella and sat back down in the chair. It felt wrong to separate myself from her, but, like my plan, I knew it had to be done. She stayed frozen where she was for a moment, seeming unsure of what to do, then she dropped to the floor by Charlie and sat quietly. We all sat in silence as the game continued. I pretended to watch the men on the screen, but my eyes were focused on Bella's form. Her eyes looked wild with fear and I saw her hands were shaking, despite her attempts to hide them. I knew she was scared because of my behavior, wondering what was happening as I distanced myself from her. I wanted to comfort her. It went against every fiber of my being to not fly across the short space between us and pull her into my arms, to hold her close to me as much for my benefit as hers and soothe her. Nothing was right when she was unhappy. I knew I couldn't resist giving in to these feelings any longer, so I stood quickly and announced, "I better get home." "See ya," Charlie replied, indifferent to my statement. I strode out the door, Bella on my heels as I walked quickly to my Volvo. "Will you stay?" she asked me, no expectation of a 'yes' in her voice. "Not tonight," I said simply. I knew that if I stayed, watched her sleep in my arms, then the last of my determination would dissolve and I would never be able to leave, and I had to leave her. If it was the only honorable thing I ever did for her, I would leave her. I climbed quickly into my car, not allowing myself to hold her gaze or even touch her. As I drove away, I looked in the rearview mirror and saw Bella standing where I had left her, not turning back for the house, despite the rain that was drenching her clothes and hair. That sight haunted me as I drove back home for the last time.


	3. Chapter 3a

I returned home and spent the night wandering aimlessly through the house, collecting the few items that were worth packing. Almost everything reminded me of Bella in some way and I could not allow myself to take anything that would make this harder. My perfect memory would be enough torture without having physical reminders of her surrounding me. I drifted to my piano, running my fingers over the keys but not pressing hard enough to produce any sound. It seemed as if I could not stop myself as Bella's lullaby, the one I had written when we first met, suddenly flowed from my fingers, the notes ringing clear and strong against the piano's soundboard. I was playing it in farewell. One last farewell that she would not hear. She had the CD of me playing that I had given her for her birthday, and I decided that she mustn't have this reminder of me. Anything that would be a reminder of our time together would be a distraction that would make getting over me that much harder. I would also have to find a way to get the photos she had taken of me. No reminders, I chanted to myself as her song came to a slow and sad end. As if on cue, my cell phone rang shrilly from my jacket pocket. At this hour, I knew it would be a member of my family and I was somewhat comforted to see Carlisle's name on the display. "Hello, Carlisle," I said solemnly, unsure of what else to say. "Edward," he said, concern thick in his voice. "This is not going to be as easy as I had originally thought," I sighed. He misinterpreted my statement and quickly offered the resolution he though I wanted. "Edward, if you've changed your mind about this, there is no reason that we can't put everything back the way it was. I'm sure the hospital hasn't replaced me yet, and we can all be back home in a few hours." "No," I said, exasperated. "Bella had to work tonight and tomorrow, so I can't leave until Friday afternoon." I didn't like being short with Carlisle. He was such a good person and he gave me credit for the same, despite my many shortfalls. He didn't deserve my scorn and the fact that I was lashing out at him further intensified my unhappiness. His voice held only patience and concern as he responded "I'm so sorry, Edward. I know that delaying action on this decision must make it exponentially more painful. Please let us know if there anything you need. We'll wait for you in Denali as long necessary." I was too upset to respond. "Esme sends her love, son. Do what you must and then come back to us." "Thank you, Carlisle. I'll see you in a couple of days." I hung up the phone but stayed frozen in place. I sat on the piano bench unmoving, barely aware of the time passing until the sounds of life awakening in the forest outside my house alerted me that a new day had begun. The morning started much the same as yesterday had. Bella and I walked in silence from class to class, avoiding each other's eyes. She seemed annoyed by this ongoing behavior. Certainly by now, she had some idea of what was coming. Why had she not asked more questions? This was very out of character for her and it made me uneasy. She was so distracted, she didn't notice when Mr. Berty asked her a question about Romeo & Juliet. Instinctively trying to protect her, as always, I whispered the answer to her and then reverted to my silent state. I could feel her anger at me continuing to rise as the morning progressed but, even as we walked to lunch, free from the rules of the classroom, I maintained my silence. The look in her eyes was rare for her. It bordered on fury and reminded me of the kittenish rage that had been there when she first began to demand answers from me. Had it really been less than a year since I intervened in her seemingly disaster-ridden life, saving her from Tyler Crowley's van? She was such a part of my life, of me, now, that I it seemed impossible that her presence here had been so recent. She was getting more upset by the second and I thought she might boil over at me, here in front of all her friends at the lunch table. Never failing to amaze me, Bella suddenly turned to Jessica Stanley, an artificially happy tone in her voice. "Hey Jess?" "What's up, Bella?" "Could you do me a favor? My mom wants me to get some pictures of my friends for a scrapbook. So, take some pictures of everybody, okay?" Bella had retrieved her camera from her bookbag and handed it to Jessica Stanley. Jessica's snide thoughts, hidden by a look of sincere kindness, were easy to ignore. I was more focused on Bella now than I had let myself become for days. What was she doing? After showing little interest in her father's birthday gift, she was suddenly taking pictures of family and friends, as if to document them. Was she expecting something that would take her away from them, a need to record life as it currently stood? She watched the others at the table as they snatched the camera from one another, trying to catch each other unprepared for the flash. Normally, something like this would have elicited a laugh from her, or a smile at the very least. She looked unamused as she mentally inventoried each picture that was captured, making sure there was at least one photo of everyone at the table. When the click of the camera indicated that there was no more film, Jessica handed the camera back to Bella." I think we used all your film," she said, sounding sincerely sorry for the act. Big deal, she thought. Edward will probably by you another case of film tomorrow. I wish Mike had that kind of money... Her thoughts trailed off and I ignored them, not caring the least bit about Jessica Stanley's selfish desires. "That's okay," Bella said, taking the camera and returning it to her bag, "I think I already got pictures of everything else I needed." What other pictures had she taken? More importantly, why did she need them? What was she thinking? I fumed silently at the fact that her thoughts were so private. If I could only understand what she was thinking, it would make leaving so much easier. I could tell her what she needed to hear in order to give her the clean break she deserved. As things stood, I would just have to do my best. By the time classes ended, I was going out of my mind, wanting to know what ludicrous plan she was attempting to execute. I was so distracted, trying to figure out her mind, that I ran on autopilot the rest of the afternoon, walking her to her car and then driving away from the school largely unaware of what I was doing. Bella was incredibly observant. She knew I was upset and she knew my family had drifted apart over the last few days, trying to deal with the fallout of what had happened. Had she figured out that was I going to leave her, and, if she had, why was she acting as if she were preparing to leave? I mulled this over for some time, trying to understand what she was thinking. Was she planning to chase me if I left her? Suddenly, everything fell into place in my brain as if two disconnected spokes were suddenly aligned. She wasn't planning to run after me, she was planning to run with me. What on earth was she thinking?! Why would I leave Forks if I was planning to stay with her? Her blind loyalty made me angry and ashamed. I spent the remainder of the afternoon trying to understand what Bella could be thinking, wishing once again that her mind was, at least temporarily, open. I stashed my car at home to avoid detection and then ran to Newton's just before her shift was supposed to end, making sure that she didn't see me. I longed to get closer but dutifully stayed away, careful to keep a lot of distance between us. I tailed her to the Thriftway, watching her return to her car, developed photos in hand. There were pictures of me in that envelope, I knew. I would have to find a way to remove those from her house, too. Bella made it home and, except for a short side trip to the kitchen that couldn't have given her time for dinner, headed straight to her room. It was dark enough that I could perch quietly in the tree outside her window, invisible from the lighted room within. Bella was sitting on her bed, holding the envelope of developed photos in her lap. She removed the stack of pictures and a look of surprise crossed her face as her eyes settled on the first shot. I quickly recognized the photo she had taken of me just two days ago, right before we had left for her disastrous birthday party. The look on my face was the one I almost always wore when I was with Bella; a look of joy and contentment. It was nothing like the face I had presented to her in the last two days. Bella, as always, appeared well aware of this fact as she frowned slightly at the next two photos, both containing my image. She quickly flipped through the rest of the pictures she had taken in turn. There were photos of her room, her house, her yard, the woods and her friends. This convinced me more than ever that I was right. Bella was preparing to leave her life behind to follow me, to be with me. She fully intended to let go of all the things she held dear in order to stay by my side. I did not deserve that kind of devotion and I seethed in silent self-loathing. I thought nothing could make the act of leaving her more painful, but Bella seemed to find a way. She removed the first three photos from the stack, all of me, and laid them out like a timeline in front of her. I watched as her eyes moved down the progression of images, looking increasingly morose as she went. She of course knew something was wrong. Anyone could have understood that, but Bella was observant and knew me well. She knew what had caused this sudden change in my behavior, she just didn't understand what I had resolved to do to fix things. Bella retrieved the empty scrapbook from her desk and began inserting pictures into the book, stopping now and then to scrawl the names, dates and locations of the pictures in her carefree script below. She looked at me repeatedly through the evening, though she didn't know I was there, hiding just out of sight. I knew that she was looking for me. I almost always stayed with her during the nights. Unless there was a valid reason to not be with Bella, I couldn't stand to lose those hours with her, even in sleep. As the pile of snapshots thinned, Bella picked up the one that I detested. It was the photo Charlie had taken last night of the two of us. I hated myself as I watched Bella's face scrutinize the frozen image of my own. A look of contempt filled her eyes and she folded the picture in half, separating the image of the two of us. She hates me so much for how I've been treating her lately, she doesn't even want me in this record of her life, I thought bitterly to myself. I watched in shock as Bella inserted the photo with my image visible and hiding her own beautiful form. She quickly wrote out the details, "Edward Cullen, Charlie's living room, September 14th," under the folded picture before returning the book to her desk and grabbing a blank pad of paper. "Dear Mom," she began, writing a thank you letter to Renee for the birthday gift. I continued to watch her distracted eyes as they strayed from the letter, first to the window and then the telephone, wondering about my absence and the lack of explanation. When she finally completed the letter, she shoved it into a large manilla envelope along with all the duplicates of the pictures she had just developed. I made a mental note that I would have to steal the package from her before she had the chance to mail it. I knew that she was staying up much later than usual, waiting on me to arrive. Just after midnight, she finally seemed to accept that I would not be coming over. She gave the window one last sad, reproachful gaze and the turned out the light. I did not return home immediately because I knew this would be my last night with her, even if she didn't know I was there. Once her breathing evened and her heart settled into a steady rhythm, I leapt from the tree and silently entered her small room. I watched her sleep fitfully through the night, never allowing myself to touch her or even move close enough to do so. I said my real goodbyes to her silently that night, thinking of all the things I would have said if the situation had not made lying so necessary. I told her why I was leaving and how much I loved her, secretly wishing that she would understand all these things even through the initial sadness of my departure.

The night passed quickly and the sun rose behind the clouds that mercifully cloaked Forks this day. I could not deal with any further delays. I changed clothes to avoid suspicion, knowing her scrutinizing eyes would notice immediately if I did not. I was waiting for Bella again as she pulled into the small parking lot beside the school. As she took in my face, the faint glimmer of hope that had been there melted away, replaced with an emotionless stare that I was sure matched my own. I felt weak as the day progressed, fearing that I would not complete our classes without giving in to my weaker side. It still demanded that I forget this ludicrous course of action and put everything back the way it had been. I found blessed distraction in the thoughts of others this day. I listened to the internal fears and joys around me, pretending that their simplistic predicaments were my own. How easy life was for humans. The worries and emotions that filled their minds were often baseless and forgotten in a short while. The things I felt, the things that kept me thinking, were so much more concrete. There was a permanence to the issues of my life that made most of their problems seem like nothing more than a cloudy day. Bella would recover from this. I knew she loved me in her own human way, but her emotions were not as strong as mine and her need for me was nothing compared to what I felt for her. After a while, she would find someone new and human who could make her happy and fulfilled in a way that I could not. I kept my thoughts focused on these facts as a way to reenforce my rationalization that this was what was best for her, no matter what I wanted. By the time I walked Bella to her truck that afternoon, my resolve had returned in full force. "Do you mind if I come over today?" It felt so strange, asking this question. My presence had always been a given and the sound of the question was unsettling. "Of course not," she replied, seemingly relieved at my returned social skills. "Now?" I queried, helping her into her truck. I had to finish this before anything else could interrupt. "Sure," she said, attempting to sound aloof. "I was just going to drop a letter to Renee in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there." I had almost forgotten about the offensive little envelope that would put a dent in my plan of giving her a fresh start. I reached across her body and stole the parcel from the passenger seat before Bella could stop me. "I'll do it," I muttered, upset at the first lie of many that I would tell her this afternoon. Don't give anything away, I commanded myself. "And I'll still beat you home," I said, fixing the grin I knew she loved on my hard, previously blank face. "Okay," she responded, obviously unfooled by my attempt. I would have to lie better than that if I would have any chance of convincing her that I no longer wanted to be with her. I walked quickly back to my car, the bulging envelope in my left hand. It would not make it to the mailbox. I sped wildly through the streets of Forks, beating Bella home by several minutes. I parked in the spot usually reserved for Charlie's cruiser, took the key hidden under the eaves of the porch and dashed up to her room. I collected the CD I had made for her and snatched all the photos from her book that contained my image. I was about to fly back to my car and store the pilfered items in my trunk when a wave of pain washed over me. I would never see Bella again after today. I would never be close to her. The agony that welled up inside me at this thought was almost uncontainable. How could I keep a part of myself close without her knowing I was with her? The objects that I held in my hands were the only tangible reminders of what had been between us and I felt that, no matter how childish it was, keeping this part of myself with her would keep us linked, even if she were unaware of the fact. Without a second thought, I dropped to my knees and pried a floorboard loose under her bed. I pushed the photos and CD into the small space the hole revealed and then shoved the board back into place. I quietly condemned my actions, chastising myself, but i felt a little better now. I flitted down the stairs and grabbed the small notepad on the fridge, writing a short note in a handwriting that matched Bella's perfectly. Going for a walk with Edward, up the path. Back soon, B. I just needed to get far enough away that no one would hear our conversation. This would take hours and I knew better than to think that Bella would just take me at my word. She would fight and yell and cry, refusing to listen to my insane claims. I didn't plan to go too far into the woods, but Bella had a knack for trouble. I wanted Charlie to know where to fin her in case she stayed where she was, refusing to come back to the house. I stuck the note to the side of the large TV where I knew it would not go unnoticed. I slid back behind the wheel of my car just in time to hear Bella turn onto the street. I met her at her door, relieving her of her backpack, only to toss it back into the cab. I grabbed her hand, feeling as if part of me was dying. "Come for a walk with me," I said, my voice hollow and cold. Her eyes brimmed with hesitation and fear, but she said nothing, allowing herself to be dragged across the yard. We were just out of sight from the house when I wheeled around, dropping her hand and taking a casual stance against a large cedar. "Okay, let's talk," she said firmly. The demanding tone in her voice made me realize that this would be every bit as difficult as I had originally expected. "Bella, we're leaving," I said, laying everything out on the table. I was not going to pull any punches. She was too smart for that and she deserved better. She did not look shocked or angry as she processed my words and I guessed that she did not yet grasp my meaning. "Why now? Another year...." Dragging this out would make it harder on both of us, I knew. I would be direct, making the end as clean and fast as possible. Just like a scalpel, I thought to myself, remembering the countless medical classes I had taken in graduate school, the sharper the scalpel, the cleaner the cut. "Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless." She looked suddenly confused as her strong front faltered and faded away. I scowled at her, mad at myself for allowing our lives to become so tangled. If I had just left Forks when she first came instead of being so weak and self-centered, we both could have been spared this horrid scene. Suddenly her face shifted from a look of uncertainty to one of terrified understanding. "When you say we," she said, too soft to be perceived by human ears. So I was right. She had thought that my flight from this dreary little town would include her. "I mean my family and myself." She maintained her stunned silence for what felt like an eternity, shaking her head as she processed the information that was not what she had expected to hear. "Okay," she said slowly. "I'll come with you." Why did she have to be so damned stubborn? Didn't she understand that her presence was against the very core of this iniquitous plan? Internally, my hardened stance fell apart. She suddenly looked so fragile in her thin shirt and blue jeans and I wanted more than anything to spare her unnecessary pain. My voice unwillingly bordered on tenderness as I tried another approach. "You can't, Bella. Where we're going . . . It's not the right place for you." "Where you are is the right place me," she replied fervently. Her voice was beginning to sound panicky and wild. "I'm no good for you, Bella." They were the first sincere words I had spoken to her in days. "Don't be ridiculous," she cried out, unable to hold onto the calm tone her voice struggled to maintain. "You're the very best part of my life." This statement reminded me once again why I was leaving her. What did it say about her quality of life with me when the best part of it was a monster. An animal that had put her in danger on a constant basis and who had almost killed her himself? "My world is not for you," I said. She retorted in a second, not leaving a moment of silence between my statement and her reply. "What happened with Jasper-that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" "You're right," I replied, crossly. "It was exactly what was to be expected." "You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay-" she accused desperately. "As long as that was best for you," I corrected gently before her accusations could continue. "No! This is about my soul, isn't it?" Her temper flared and her frightened tone was suddenly replaced by rage. "Carlisle told me about that and I don't care Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you-it's yours already!" I knew she and Carlisle had shared this conversation. He had made no pretense to hide it from me when I came back into the house to take her home after they spoke. The difference was, I had not known Bella's feelings in response to the revelation that my soul was likely lost, as hers would be if she joined me. I looked at the ground, afraid that my eyes would give me away as I processed her reaction to this knowledge. I had hoped this new information would change her mind, pushing her towards a lifetime of humanity rather than the alternative. She may not care wether she would end up in heaven or hell, but I certainly did. The renewed anger allowed me to pull out my final weapon. the one I knew would start the biggest row yet. I stared into her face with the cruelest look I could muster and finally spoke, my words coming out smooth and clear. "I don't want you to come with me." I said the words slowly, knowing that each syllable I uttered was a sin unto itself. Bella looked as if I had just spoken the phrase in a foreign language, her face deep in concentration as if to decipher what I had just said. "You . . . don't . . . want me?" She repeated the words back to me as if she didn't comprehend the meaning of them. What was I thinking, trying to make her believe such a ridiculous lie? "No," I said, barely choking the word. I stared back at her, afraid that she would call my bluff if I looked away for even an instant. She would never believe this and I would have to create another deception that would allow to me leave. She looked at me again, as if measuring the veracity of my words, trying to look for anything in my face that my contradict my words. "Well, that changes things." What? Did she just accept my claim that I didn't want her, didn't want her with me? How could she be so foolish? In my mind, I was dropping to my knees. My arms were wrapped around her, my face pressed against her stomach, begging her to forgive me for being so stupid and cruel. In reality, I had not moved an inch. I couldn't bare to look at her, so I stared off into the woods, pretending that it was more interesting than she was. "Of course, I'll always love you . . . in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm . . . tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." I knew that what I had just said was true, though I had phrased it in a way to hide what I really felt. I loved her in a way that made me feel alive for the first time in decades. I loved her in a way that was strong and permanent. No amount of distance or time would ever diminish my love for her. It was also true that I was tired of pretending of being something that I wasn't. I was tired of pretending that I could be what she needed. I wanted to be human for Bella, but I knew this could never be. I would have happily stayed like this forever, let my increasingly strong human instincts take over, with Bella by my side. the problem was, I knew I could never be enough for her. I finally composed myself enough to look back to her face, letting the final words escape my lips. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."

The reality of the situation seemed to be settling in Bella's mind, as the glimmers of pain and obstinence I had expected to see began to appear on her face. "Don't," she whispered. "Don't do this." If she were going to resist me, I knew there was only one thing I could do to make her listen. She was always so self-sacrificing and I knew she would never stay away for her own good. I would have to use her own kindness against her and play on the one thing I could. "You're no good for me, Bella." this seemed to do the job. I watched as she thought through the words with a look of pained belief. She opened her mouth to say something, but then changed her mind. To say that Bella was not good for me was ludicrous. She was the best part of me. She was my humanity, my hope, my faith and all that was good in my heart. She was the reason I began to question if I still might have my soul. Finally, she spoke. "If . . . that's what you want," she said, seemingly resigned to my decision. The fact that this conversation had taken so little time, that she believed me so easily, sent a sharp stabbing pain through my body, focusing on my heart. Unable to answer Bella's statement, I simply nodded. This was really it. I was about to walk away and never see my beautiful Bella again. I thought about all the reasons that I had stayed with her in the first place. She was a danger magnet. Even when I wasn't around, she trouble seemed to find her. Unable to stop myself, I made one last plea, though it came out as an indifferent request. "I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much." No! my weaker side screamed. Think what will happen to her if you leave her alone! who will protect her? I felt like I wanted to die. how could fate ask me to make such a terrible choice; stay and ruin her life or leave and risk her safety. My eyes began to prick with invisible tears and I quickly composed my face, hoping Bella had not seen the look in my eyes. "Anything," Bella said fervently. Even when I was being unfair and cruel, she was loyal and steadfast to me. "Don't do anything reckless or stupid." I had completely lost the calm in my voice. If this was going to be the only thing with which I left her, I was going to make it count. "Do you understand what I'm saying?" I'm doing this for you, Bella. Don't waste my sacrifice by getting hurt and dying! Bella nodded and I instantly felt a small amount of relief. Bella had promised to do whatever I asked, and even in this pain, I knew she loved me enough to honor my request. I controlled my gaze as I continued "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself--for him." For me! God, Bella, if it's the last thing you do, take care of yourself for my sake. Once you leave this earth, I won't be able to stand being here without you. "I will," she mumbled softly. "And I'll make you a promise in return," I said, knowing this last conversation was quickly coming to a close. "I promise that this will be the last time you see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I never existed." I had meant these words as a comforting promise. I knew she wouldn't take them that way today but, perhaps, several weeks from now when she had more perspective, they would be a comfort. Bella's heart picked up and the look in her eyes made me think she might pass out. Trying to calm her, I said, "Don't worry. You're human--your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind." This didn't seem to help her in the least. Her desperate eyes locked on mine. "And your memories?" she croaked out, barely able to speak the words. Did she think I could actually forget her? "Well," I said quickly, not sure what to say at first. "I won't forget. But my kind . . . we're very easily distracted." I smiled gently at her, trying to make it sound as if I had enjoyed my time with her, and nothing more. Again, the urge to drop to my knees and beg her forgiveness hit me full force. I had to leave before I lost control. "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again." A new look of pain and realization flickered on Bella's face. "Alice isn't coming back." Her lips formed the words without making much sound. How had she just now come to this realization? Hadn't I said that my family was leaving? Fearing that she might be in shock, I spoke slowly, reenforcing my story to make sure she understood. "no. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye." "Alice is gone?" I had known that my sister had befriended Bella, but I had been so busy wrapped up in my relation with her, I was completely taken by surprise at how close they must have become. No wonder Alice fought me when I decided to leave. I couldn't let this one last thing add to the pain in Bella's heart. "She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you." It was time. I had delayed as long as I could and now there was nothing left to do but leave. "Goodbye, Bella." "Wait!" she cried frantically, reaching out to grab me, as if that would keep me with her. Knowing that her embrace would leave me weak and defeated, I captured her wrists and held them to her sides. She seemed too daze to fight back, looking up at me with her terrified, childlike eyes. I kissed her lightly on the forehead and her eyes closed in automatic response. "Take care of yourself," I whispered. Know that I will love you until the end of eternity, no matter what happens, I thought. I turned and ran into the forest before she could open her eyes.

Thanks so much for all the support. This has kept me sane while we wait for our adoption to go through. I appreciate all the great feedback. :)


	4. Leaving

The pain I felt as I ran from Bella increased with each step I took. The only thing that kept me moving was the firm belief that this final act would be the best thing I could do for her. I could survive this. As long as she was still living on this earth, I knew that I could keep going. My misery didn't matter in this moment because all I cared about was whether or not the outcome was what was best for Bella.

I hadn't gone far, maybe four or five miles, when I came to a stop. Now I had to wait. My car was still parked in front of Bella's house and I had to go back and reclaim it without her seeing me. I knew it wasn't the best plan to return after what had just transpired, but I wasn't sure how else to do it. If I had been there waiting for her without the car, Bella would have been suspicious. In retrospect, that probably didn't matter, but it was too late to do anything about it now. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself as I went through the plan once again in my head. I knew my heart wasn't beating, but that didn't stop the ache that seemed to emanate out to every cell of my body from that central point. _I am such a fool_, I thought miserably. Why had I let my life become so entangled with a human? _Because she is the most amazing, loving, fascinating being that has ever walked this earth_, my heart seemed to cry in response. Again, I fought against the urge to return to her. I drowned in my pain for what felt like forever, although only an hour had passed. The sky was beginning to turn dark and I decided that I had given Bella enough time to process what had happened and go back into the house. I ran back towards my car in a wide, arcing loop, making sure to leave a wide berth between myself and her house. I couldn't risk running into her on the off chance that she was still outside.

I came to a stop at the edge of the trees across the street from her house, looking into the darkened window of her bedroom. Carefully, I took a deep breath. If she were still in the spot where I had left her, I would be able to detect her unmistakable scent. Nothing. She was no longer on the path, just out of sight. I had half feared that she would be hiding there, waiting to ambush me when I returned for my Volvo. Her car was where she had left it, so I knew she was not searching the town for me or going to my house to confirm the claim that my family was gone. My sharp eyes scanned the empty windows of her home, checking to make sure that she wasn't watching for me there. Again, my inspection yielded nothing but empty silence. Was she inside? What if she had not come back and was in the forest, still looking for me?

The panic began to build as my instinctive need to protect her began to override the controlled portion of my brain. I half considered a quick search of the woods until I regained control of myself. _Don't be an idiot_, I sneered internally. _She's probably up in her room, asleep from crying._ This thought filled me with more anger, which was focused only on myself. I stared up into her window from the protection of the trees, wishing I knew for sure whether or not she was safe within. _Enough now_, I thought sternly, breaking my gaze from the entry point I had used so frequently. _I've ruined your life enough, Bella. I know you don't want any gifts from me, but this is one gift that I __**am**__ going to give to you. You will have a normal life that I cannot give you. Be safe and make my sacrifice worthwhile, love._

I took one last breath and flew to my car, turning the key as quickly as I could and sped down the street. Just to be safe, I did not allow myself a glance in the rearview mirror as I drove away for the final time.

I know my chapters tend to be a little long and hard to read, so I figured I would break them up a little more from now on. Plus, it means I can post more often as I finish sections.


	5. Journey

I had felt the tortured, pained sensation of dying once before, many years ago. It was nothing compared to what I felt now. I drove through Forks, barely able to keep my speed under control as I took 101 straight through town. I felt another blade of agony slice through me as I approached East Division Street, just a few blocks from the Forks police station. I knew Charlie would hate me for what I had done to his daughter. "He should hate me,_"_ I murmured to myself. I knew that he would tell Bella she was better off without me. Maybe she would listen, and this would help convince her that she should move on. Chief Swan had shown a strong dislike for me since Bella had run off to Phoenix and almost died, which he felt was my fault. I could not argue with him on this point, especially now. I struggled to hear his mind now as I passed just a few hundred yards from him. As always, I could get a basic feel for his thoughts, but nothing specific. There was no anger or fear in his mind at this moment, so I knew that that Bella had not spoken to him yet. I wrenched my concentration from its current focus and sped through Forks, reaching the town limits just a few minutes later. Once I was away from the more populous areas, I floored the engine, leaving my headlights off as I flew north. My tank was full, but it would only get me a short distance into Canada, especially at my speed.

The last time I had made this trip, it had been for the same basic purpose. I had done it to put space between myself and Bella Swan. I had felt like a coward for fleeing before, I had left Forks to save myself. This time, I was leaving to save her. This trip did not make me feel like I was being strong. I was too numb from the pain to feel anything.

I had never experienced anything like this. It was so beyond my capacity for pain, there wasn't even the ecstasy that normally accompanies overwhelming grief. There was nothing. The nothingness crushed down on me, making me feel as if I once again needed air to survive and I was unable to draw a breath. I crossed into Canada with only a short stop at the border to show my passport and then I was on my way again. This trip would take several days for a human, even if they drove in marathon shifts. I did not stop to eat or sleep and my speed was much faster than the legal limit. What should take three or four days for a human would take me only one. I turned onto Highway 1 and barely noticed as the hours and miles flew by. I stopped only twice to refill my gas tank, but the delay seemed to take forever as the sluggish pumps counted lazily upwards toward the 18 gallons I needed.

As 97 merged with the Alaska Highway my phone rang loudly, shaking me from the numbing silence that had been my only companion. I stiffened as I imagined Bella's name and number flashing across the display. I had resolved to not look at the phone but the ringing persisted. It rang for what seemed like an eternity until I could no longer stand the sound and I finally pulled the small silver phone from my cup holder and looked at the caller ID. To my relief, it was Carlisle and not Bella on the other end. "Carlisle," I sighed into the phone, my voice giving away the anguish I had no hope of hiding from him. "Edward," he said, his voice thick with relief. "What's going on? Are you still in Forks?" "No, I am on my way to Denali," I replied quietly, my voice breaking slightly. His tone was compassionate as he spoke. "Did things go as you planned, Edward?" "Better," I replied solemnly. "How so?" his voice was cautious, clearly afraid that he might say something that would make the situation worse. "I'll explain everything when I see you Carlisle. The important thing is, Bella has a chance to start over and I won't be putting her in danger any longer." "I understand, Edward. Take whatever time you need and we'll speak further when you get here," Carlisle replied gently. "Call me if you need anything." "Thank you Carlisle. For everything." "Of course," he murmured. I snapped the phone shut and tossed it absently onto the passenger seat, thinking of the beautiful girl who had so commonly occupied that place. My car still held her scent and I kept my windows rolled up, jealously guarding all that remained of her now.

Although I still had 16 hours left before I reached my family, the time seemed to stretch out infinitely. More than once, I felt the urge to veer off my current path and simply drive away, leaving everyone and everything behind. The only thing that kept me on my present course was the knowledge that my family was waiting for me at the end of this journey. I had already been more selfish than any one of them had ever been, even Rosalie. The last thing they deserved now, after standing by me, was to find that I had abandon them. I followed the Alaska Highway for another 1,100 miles, seeing nothing as I passed through the majestic scenery that was tinged purple by the night sky. I barely noticed as the sun rose over the mountain peaks, sending shafts of brilliant sunlight through my windshield. The traffic on this desolate stretch of highway was so sparse, I had no fear of anyone seeing what the light did to my skin. At this point, I honestly didn't care if someone saw me in the glaring light of the Alaska morning. How could the resulting consequence be worse than what I currently faced?

This drive would have left most people feeling removed from the world, but the feeling was magnified for me because, for one of the few times in my existence, I was hearing no one's mind but my own. I had no choice but to focus on my own thoughts for hours on end without interruption, which meant there was no relief from the pain and I moved from one agonizing thought to the next. I rehashed every decision I had made over the last year, hating myself as I examined every damnable choice that had led me to my present situation. If only I had been stronger, if only I had been smarter, there would be no need for my pain, or Bella's.

Bella. I had not allowed myself to think her name in hours and the grief that washed over me was more than I could take. Except for the portion that focused on driving, my mind turned off completely, as if attempting to protect itself from the unavoidable pain. I drove without thinking, knowing the route by heart. I spent the remainder of my trip seeing nothing but Bella, her intuitive eyes flashing as she stared back at me. How I would miss those eyes. I didn't know if they would hold accusation or gratitude when she thought of me next, and I knew that my decision would never allow me to discover the answer. I hoped that she was okay, and I hoped she would be happy. She would get over me, as all humans eventually did when it came to love, but what was I supposed to do when I had no hope of getting over her? _One month at a time, _I thought bleakly to myself. The thought was ridiculous. No amount of time would make this any easier. As the hours drifted by, I slipped into an almost comatose state, unable to withstand any more pain.

I came back to life, so to speak, as I reached the last hour of my voyage, taking AK-3 in Fairbanks which would loop me back south towards Denali National Park. I didn't care if I had been wallowing in my own sadness for too long. I deserved every ounce of grief I was experiencing, though it would never make up for what I had done to those around me. That was not the reason I now attempted to compose myself to some degree. I was doing that for my family. I had just put them through enough without greeting them like a zombie when I rejoined them. The Denali clan, lived in an all but empty stretch of forest about 40 miles north of a small town called Cantwell, just outside of Denali. I took the small dirt road that wound through the massive pine trees, feeling no relief as the house came into view. I could already hear Esme's worried thoughts, Alice's grieving sadness and Carlisle's attempt to keep control of himself and his thoughts when I joined them. I heard their minds for several moments before they heard my approach, and I listened as they attempted to control themselves before I could hear the sadness I had caused.

I came to a stop and turned the key in the ignition, abruptly silencing the quiet engine. I took several deep breaths, purely out of habit, in an attempt to compose myself before I saw my family. I glanced up at the house, but it remained still and silent, the sun setting behind it in a dazzling display of color. They did not come out to greet me, but I knew this was Carlisle's plan. He felt that I needed to be given space and that I would come in when I was ready to be with them. I was grateful for this and used the time to gather myself to some degree before seeing them again. I closed my eyes and immediately saw Bella. Would this be how I would spend the rest of my existence, haunted by her face every time I closed me eyes? I wrenched my lids back open, unable to withstand the isolation any longer and walked slowly towards the house.

**I would like to ask for your help! I need a good name for this story and I figured all of my talented readers could come up with a much better name than I could. I would like to keep it in line with the other Twilight stories in terms of using something that has to do with the sky, moon, etc. I had also thought about maybe focusing the title around what Edward had said towards the end of New Moon about his sky having stars (points of light and reason) until Bella streaked across his sky like a meteor and then his sky was dark and he was unable to see anything after she was gone. Does that inspire anyone? I'll pick my favorite (along with a panel of Twilight loving friends) and the winner will get their title added to this story. Please contribute, because we want a good name!!!**

_I've been listening to Kat Tingey a lot while writing this chapter, particularly the songs "Undone" and "Isabelle's Lullaby". If you're not familiar with her stuff, you ought to check it out on itunes._


	6. Purpose

_Edward, you can't do this forever_, Alice thought desperately. _You're breaking Esme's heart and we are all really worried about you_. "Sorry", I mumbled. It was one of the few words I had spoken in the weeks since I had arrived in Alaska. Alice was right, I admitted wholeheartedly to myself. I knew that I should be trying harder, for my family's sake, but I just couldn't find the will. Without Bella, my existence felt completely meaningless and, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't summon the effort to pretend that I could keep going in some capacity, regardless of how limited.

Bella had been my guiding star. She gave me purpose and made me feel like there might still be a reason for my existence. Her love had even given me some hope that there was a greater power who felt that my life had merit and that I was deserving of something more than what I had resigned to believe. Why else would he have brought Bella into my life? Now, I knew that I had only been fooling myself. Bella was not a gift from heaven that God had bestowed upon me. After Bella's disastrous birthday and what felt like the hundredth time that my proximity had endangered her life, I was sure that Bella had not been created for me. God would never give someone so loving, so wonderful and so breakable to someone or something, rather, like me. I was a monster, A dangerous monster who would could never deserve love from a soul as pure and true as Bella's. I knew now that I had only been lying to myself all those months that had given me cause to hope.

Like the last time I had retreated to this remote location, I saw nothing but Bella's beautiful face, her eyes boring into mine with unanswered questions. I wondered what those questions would be this time. Would she want to know why I left? Did she really believe so easily and completely that I had stopped loving her? The desperation I had felt that day in the woods overtook me again with a fresh torrent of guilt and pain. How could I have been so selfish as to almost ruin her life for my own idiotic desires? It was more than I could take and I could find no escape, wishing for all the world that I could sleep, just to end the anguish for a few short hours. But, I knew that, even if I could drift into a state of unconsciousness, it would make no difference because my dreams would surely be just as much about Bella as my waking thoughts were. Since I had rejoined Carlisle and the others, my family had heard and seen very little of me. Their thoughts, mostly focused on my abhorrent behavior, were more than I could bare and I escaped into the Denali wilderness for days at a time to avoid their overbearing concern. As soon as I had arrived, I had retreated to an unused room of the house without saying a word to anyone. _He needs time_, Carlisle had thought to himself when I walked by without so much as a "hello". _I can't imagine the pain he's in right now_. His thoughts turned to Esme, trying to imagine living without her. I could feel the pain this would cause him as he thought of it, but I was sure it would never touch the level of my own. I stayed immobile for days, too lost in myself to hunt or converse with anyone. Emmett walked passed my room, peering through the open door as he passed._ I've heard the term "living dead" before used for vampires, but I never though it made sense until seeing him now. Geez._

"He's not going to snap out of this, Carlisle", I had heard Alice whisper after several days of my silence. They knew I was within earshot, but they spoke about me like I wasn't there. If vampires were capable of becoming catatonic, that's probably what they would have thought of my behavior. "I keep looking ahead, trying to see a time when he gets over her, at least a little, and is able to pull his life back together, but it doesn't seem to happen. I don't know what to do". I knew I was being selfish, but I didn't care. I blocked out their voices, both verbal and mental, and went back to staring unblinkingly at the room's ivory wall.

Tanya had been toying with the idea of coming to speak to me since I had first arrived, sure that her flirtations would distract me enough from Bella to snap me out of my frozen state. _He may not have taken the bait before, but surely he would jump at the chance for some sort of distraction right now_, she mused silently in the next room. I knew I couldn't bare that encounter. It was enough to finally force me from my solitary location and out into the cold Alaskan night. This had become my regular routine whenever anyone was planning to approach me, to run away like a coward to avoid the conversation.

It had been over two weeks since my arrival and my family had finalized the plans for our next move. We were going to Ithaca, New York to start over once again. Carlisle had accepted an invitation to teach at Cornell University and the local hospital was thrilled to have him join their staff. Esme had found an old house dating back to the 1600s on the historic registry, only a few miles from Cayuga Lake, that she planned to renovate to its former glory. Rosalie, the only one who was more concerned with her own emotional state than mine, was still upset about our departure from Forks. Emmett had planned another honeymoon to Europe, on Esme's suggestion, to give her time to adjust to the idea of moving again. When my family's thoughts were not focused on this next chapter of our lives, they seemed to drift constantly to my unchanging depression.

As I spent yet another day focused on nothing but my insurmountable anguish, Carlisle's resolved thoughts broke through the numbness. _He can't go on like this. Edward has to find something for which to live, a purpose for his life. _I knew they were going to speak to me and I willed myself to remain still, instead of bolting for the door as had become my routine. I listened as he asked Esme to join him and they walked slowly towards the room that had become my cell. Carlisle knocked gently on the door and, though I did not respond, they came in anyway, their entrance silent and slow. Esme's eyes filled were with sympathetic compassion, Carlisle's with concern. "Edward," Esme whispered softly. "We are so worried about you. Will you _please_ talk to us?" In a movement that took more effort than I felt I had, I brought my eyes up to focus on her face. I knew I had to speak. I was hurting them more than I could ever excuse and I owed them this. I searched for something to say, but came up empty. "I don't know what to do," I stated flatly, my voice sounding hollow and dead. Esme's arms were around me in an instant and I stiffened involuntarily at the contact. I had not come this close to anyone since leaving Bella and the feel of Esme's comforting embrace did nothing but add to my pain. She seemed to sense my adverse reaction to her affection and quickly released me, stepping back to join Carlisle. "I'm sorry," I choked out, although I made no move to return her embrace and end the pain in her eyes.

"It's alright, Edward. I can't fathom what you're going through," Esme said quietly. Carlisle squeezed her hand reassuringly and looked at me with pain in his eyes. "No parent wants to see their child suffer, Edward. I know I'm not you're biological father, but I love you as if you were my own son, and watching you struggle like this is almost unbearable." Now, not only had I hurt Bella and myself, I was torturing the other few people on this earth who loved me. The new agony in my eyes must have been very apparent because Esme, spoke again, "Please understand, Edward. We want nothing more than for you to find some peace in this world. I know it seems as if that's impossible right now, but you have to find a reason to keep going. Something that will give your life purpose." Nothing could give me purpose now. Bella was my purpose and she was gone. "Think about it," Carlisle said gently. "There is a reason to keep going, you just have to discover what it is." They both gave me a last look of concern and pity and then silently left me with my thoughts.

Was there a reason to go on? I couldn't find one. Carlisle was always right, it seemed, but I simply couldn't think of anything other than Bella that would keep me going. I wouldn't allow myself to chase down that fantasy, of returning to Bella. _I will NEVER allow myself that option_, I thought furiously. Even as I thought the promise, my mind drifted to the idea of holding her in my arms, her scent and warmth overwhelming me as they always did. I was momentarily caught up in the daydream when Alice popped her head in the room. _It is an option, you know_, she thought hopefully, seeing my sudden plan of returning to Bella. I banished the thought instantly, leaving her scowling at me as I watched her vision of my return to Forks suddenly shift and fade. She came into the room and sank gracefully to the floor, her face set in a stubborn glare.

_Edward, you're fighting fate here_, she thought. _Bella is not going to fare any better than you with this separation. My visions of Bella would have you running back to Forks this instant, if you had been aware enough to pay attention to them these last couple of weeks. _I was suddenly, unwillingly, focused on Alice's mind as scene after scene of Bella raced by. She looked lost, destroyed. It was more than I could take so I forced myself to block out Alice's visions as they got progressively worse and the pain became unbearable. "Stop it, Alice," I growled as she continued to replay all that I had missed in her mind over the last weeks.

"Edward, don't you see this is futile?" she cried at me. "She'll get over me and then her life will be as if I had never touched it," I replied wearily. "That's not true," she replied, a wild hint of desperation tinting her words. "If she keeps going like this, I wouldn't be surprised if she took her own life to escape the pain!" "No!" I roared, suddenly more alert than I had been in weeks. I was on my feet now, my face just inches from hers. The rest of my family, along with our hosts appeared instantly, terrified and perplexed at what could have caused my sudden outburst after weeks of near silence. "Bella promised," I raged at her. "I _made_ her promise before I left that she would do nothing reckless or stupid, and I know her. She will keep her word so don't tell me she's going to kill herself!" My tirade had stunned my audience into absolute silence. No one so much as breathed, making my loud gasps that much more pronounced. The mood in the room suddenly calmed, and I saw Jasper from the corner of my eye, his face focused on me as I stared furiously at Alice's tiny frame. I fought back against the tranquility. I _wanted _the anger. It was the first time in so long that I had felt anything. _Since when does Bella have to look for situations that are reckless and stupid? _Alice challenged. "No," I said firmly. I was not one to bet against Alice, but I knew she was wrong on this point. "Don't look for her future, either," I ordered her sternly. Whatever turns Bella's like took now, they were not ours to oversee. I could not watch the rest of her life through Alice's visions. I couldn't bare the thought of watching Bella's life unfold without me. Plus something would, no doubt, happen one day that would send me running back to Forks to save her, if I watched long enough. "We've done enough damage".

I turned to look at our audience, knowing that I owed them an explanation. I could see from their faces that they had understood our exchange without any further clarification being needed. "I'm sorry," I huffed. Despite my anger, my family seemed relieved by my behavior. _At least he finally snapped out of the coma_, Emmett though. I knew it said something about my state when this outburst was considered a positive change by my family. "I'll leave you alone," Alice said, her voice soft and resigned. "Just think about what I said, alright?" Everyone filed out of the room again, leaving me.

I knew I was right on this. Bella would never commit suicide. She loved me, but she was human and her feelings could only run so deep. Even if she had convinced herself that she loved me as much as I loved her, she was too thoughtful of others to commit such a selfish act. Even in her sadness, her thoughts would be for Charlie and Renee. I knew she would never do that to them. Even as I thought this, Alice's unspoken dispute continued to sink in. _Since when does Bella have to look for situations that are reckless and stupid? _Alice had contested, and she was right. As I had once told Bella, she was a danger magnet, drawing all things undesirable close to her. Was there any way to protect her from her unsafe existence without interfering in her life?

Suddenly, my mind was in overdrive. The everyday, mundane threats of her existence were beyond my control. The larger threats, the ones I had inflicted upon her, were not. I had listened to Irina's thoughts idly from time to time since I arrived, many of which centered around Laurent. He had been a member of James's coven but had come here to Denali rather than fight our large family when James and Victoria decided to hunt Bella. Laurent had left here several weeks before we arrived, but not before forging a close friendship with Irina. My thoughts shifted, violently angry, back to James and his iniquitous pursuit of Bella. James had nearly taken her life because of my involvement with her. He and his mate had nearly succeeded in killing her. I had saved her from James, from the immediate threat, but what about Victoria? Was she not still walking this earth, and what was to stop her from going after Bella now that we were gone, if she were of a mind to do so? This was my purpose, my reason to keep going. I would protect Bella from a distance. I would hunt and kill Victoria.

**I almost cried writing parts of this because I was hurting so much for Edward. I just want him to be happy and back with Bella again!!! **

**I hope you are enjoying this (if you are, please review, it makes my day!) Also, I am still accepting submissions for this story's title, so please include them in your reviews! **

**If you have any input on where you would like this to go, I welcome all advice. We know the outcome of this story, but there are a lot of empty gaps in the middle to fill in along the way!**


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